Dear Roommates,

Thus far, in 2009, there has been an influx of unscrupulous roommates. And to them, I would like to formally dedicate this first post in reflection of all of your douchiness.

Please let it be known that despite your immoral and deceitful ways, the people on the "normal" moral train are well aware of your hideous and revolting patterns of life and it is not accepted, nor encouraged for future human interaction.

Everything you do and every walk of life you trespass, people will recoil from you and you will never amount to anything worthwhile ever unless you change your ways. You are, in all forms of the word, complete douchebags. Here are a few tips of what is NOT acceptable in forthcoming roommate/social situations:

1) Having people pay your rent entirely, with the false intention of paying them back, is not cool. Learn to make your own way. Perhaps think about getting another job. Or don't spend so much on Daddy's credit card.

2) Do not steal from anyone you live with. This includes cutlery, pictures, mugs, shower curtains, clothes AND money.

3) If you're going to move out, give your roommates longer than 4 days or two weeks. Anything under a month renders you an f-ing douche.

4) Do not make roommates feel guilty for being in their own home just because you are a high-maintenance weirdo.

5) Do not yell at roommates for eating your leftover pizza one night when it is something that never happens. People get drunk and they feel bad anyway the next day. Making them feel worse over something you were definitely going to throw away anyway is ridiculous.

6) If you have pets, please consider your other roommates in all instances. Allowing cats to shit on their own couches without any kind of apology is rude. As is washing dogs in the one communal bathroom without cleaning up. Just because you own an animal doesn't give you the right to act like one.

7) Don't think that just because you go to Church every day that it makes you a good person. Receiving the sacrament and then being a total bitch to your friend/roommate for no good reason cancels out any good religious sentiment.

8) Learn the words "please" and "thank you". Very important for future advancement in any social environment.

9) Don't forget that however hard you think WE are to live with, we think you're MUCH harder to live with. Hence, why we're never home.

10) Pull the pole out of your ass - it really makes your facial expressions hard to read.

So, current and former douchebag roommates (you know who you are), congratulations. We already think you are big, fat bags of douche. May you abide by these commandments in hopes that your douchiness will eventually subside. For your sake and for all of humanity.