Unicorns

I bumped into a girl I used to work with yesterday. She is nineteen years old and fucking stupid. When it is December in Boston and you are waiting for a cab, she is one of the girls blocking your street access, shivering in a backless tank top, and talking in mouse decibels. You know, one of the girls that make you wish for an arctic wind to come along and knock their underage asses into a snow bank. There is only one reason I want to single her out from the masses of people like her that annoy me. She found out two weeks ago that unicorns don't actually exist. 

Ice is sacred

Last week, while drinking at Green St, I witnessed a woman yapping and flailing her arms so excessively that she smacked a chilled martini glass off the bar. It shattered in the ice bin. 

This is about all people who do bad things to ice: break glass in it, refuse to get it for bartenders when they are running low, fight over the best way to use it, etc. Ice is more special than you might realize. It makes your drinks cold. There is even a beautiful spoon designed in honor of ice: 

I have been drinking too much. 

(Please Don't) Put Your Hands Up... (the remix)

To the assholes who raise their hands and tap on the bar:

Yes, we fucking see you. You may have been waiting for your 42 Sex On The Beaches for ages but the fact that you're holding two full drinks in your hand and are tapping on the bar like it's a damn episode of Family Feud does NOT encourage us to fast-forward you to the top of the list.

Fuck off. Finish your drinks. And wait your damn turn. Flailing your hands in the air only makes us want to rip off our own arms so we have something to throw at you.

Facebook makes me sick/I am a hypocrite

People who quote themselves on the "quotes" section of their Facebook pages should be gathered up, unloaded on a small island, and forced to listen to "Language Is A Virus" over and over again. 

People who change their Facebook statuses more than three times a day should be on computer timeout, especially if they are uninteresting statuses like "at work and then the gym"/"is tired"/"hungover from last night!!!!!" which apply to everyone and are interesting to no one.

People who belong to Facebook groups like "Republicans are Better Looking Than Democrats", "American By Birth: Southern By The Grace of God", "I Support A Third Term For George Bush", and "you ain't shit unless you've pissed in jp's tub" really exist, in fact I went to high school with them. They should stay exactly where they are (Lowndes County) and keep doing exactly what they are doing (nothing important). 

People who make fun of people on Facebook but have blogs that are just as self-obsessed should be called out on their double standards.  

I am literally going to run over pedestrians from now on. Literally.

To the boob crossing the street yesterday who looked like he'd stepped out of a 1970s Lacoste ad:

I wasn't trying to run you, your mother or your fat wife over. I swear. In case your 6-inches-thick glasses were not up to par, you should be aware that I was more than 15 feet away from the pedestrian crossing you were about cross over.

Also, why don't you alert your rotund life partner that normally, it's not necessary to step out into oncoming traffic and put your hand up dramatically while mouthing the word "STOP". I know she's used to doing it for kids coming out of school, and I'm sure that one job that she's had her whole life comes with a lot of authority and respect. But, outside of school hours, that's really not needed and probably dangerous.

I saw you. All three of you. How couldn't I? And I stopped for you. For ages. When I flailed my hands in the air, it was out of sheer frustration at 1) the fact your wife kept mouthing "STOP" and 2) the amount of time it took you all to haul your asses from one side of the road to the other.

So, thanks you big f-ing douchebag, for flipping me off in the middle of the street...FOR ALLOWING YOU TO FUCKING CROSS.

I loved how you put your whole body weight into it, so much so that you nearly tripped. Awesome.

Please try and understand that it's not my problem if you and your overly large family don't know how to put one foot in front of the other.

Also, to the prick who left an open tin of cat food in the back of my car last night. Thanks very much for spilling it so decoratively across the rear mat. Congealed chicken in gravy smells wonderful after it's been cooking in the sun for five hours.

It Must Be True - It Says So On Wikipedia

To anyone who fills out their own Wikipedia page - come on, admit it - it's douchy. I know we live in a day and age where self-propaganda is necessary and compelling to a degree, but where is the line that divides a little shameless plug into total, outright narcissism? It's a blurry one methinks.

How would my page go? Hmmm...

DEEDEE (pronounced [deedee]; born January 28, 1982) is an Anglo-American journalist/writer most commonly known for her analytical work in films. Her wit, charm, and general ability to put all people (including herself) into their place is expressed through her humorous and mildly popular blogsite, Daily Douche, which she co-writes with Alle Santiago. Deedee, who is not, by any means, a negative person in her personal life, utilizes the blogosphere to channel out her rage on things that she typically would keep to herself. She is a champion of free-speech and noble critic of the many douchebags of the world.

See? I've literally just jumped into a bag of douche as I typed that. Not on. Don't like it. Not for me, thank you.

I think if you're amazing enough to warrant a Wikipedia page, the rule should be, someone else besides yourself, should agree. And they should write it. So, that's not coming down too hard on people is it? All I'm suggesting is that there be ONE other person IN THE WORLD who agrees with any narcissism you have. Yeah. Then it's ok. I guess.

Plus, this kid is a Goddamn legend. Thank you VERY much for calling out the journo-douches of the world. Amazing.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a very thorough shower.

Two things

PART ONE: This is an unsanctioned honorary post from a male friend of mine, dedicated to all girls who don't put the condoms on the guy themselves, but instead make him fumble around awkwardly alone while the mood evaporates. "I am sick of running the show all the time." Come on, girls, get on it!

PART TWO: To anyone who has ever posted anything negative on Yelp.com, there is a possibility that you are a douche. You might be justified or have good intentions, but you are still at risk for cockiness, stupidity, oblivious self-entitled unreasonable expectations, etc. Get tested, ask your friends. This does not apply to you if you have ever told a fellow yelper that he "sucks dick for quarters", in which case you are not only not a douche, but also my personal hero.